My story
PETE
I never was like any “normal” boy. I never liked the “normal” boy things. I always liked playing dress-up and I always had girls as friends, never boys. I never liked football. Never liked any sport really. But I loved to dance and that is what I wanted to do.
When I was about 11 and a half I started noticing that I kind of liked boys but I was so young I didn’t know what was going on. I was so confused. I thought there was something wrong with me. These feelings became worse and worse for me. It was horrible, being so young I had no idea what these feelings were. When I turned 12 I decided that I would try to do something about these feelings. I had a girlfriend at the time and we decided to have sex. I knew I was underage and it was wrong.
So, I had lost my virginity to a girl. After that me and my girlfriend broke up and we never spoke again. It had made me more confused than ever. This had an effect on my life, big time. It affected my school life, my home life and my social life. I didn’t want to go out because I felt like I was a freak. I used to stay in and just sit in my room. I became very down and depressed and that is when I started to self-harm. It was the only way I could stop the hurt and the feelings. That is how much it was affecting me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t know what to do, who to speak to or what to say to anyone because I didn’t even know what was wrong.
One day my mum noticed the cuts on my arms. I had been so good at hiding them until this day. She asked me what they were and I said I had had an accident at school. I knew she didn’t believe me. After that my mum and I grew further apart. I started rebelling against her. I was doing this until about the time I turned 15 when I had an experience with a guy at a party. It was at that moment I felt more “normal” than I had ever felt in my life. Everything fitted in to place and I felt happy. From that moment I knew I was gay. The next problem was telling people.
At this point I was still very depressed and knew I had to do something about it so I went to see a counsellor. I didn’t tell him that I was gay. I told no one. I was still in school and I thought if I came out that I would get bullied. That’s not what I needed -my schoolwork was suffering as it was, so i just kept it a secret. The counselling helped me a lot. I was a lot happier after my sessions had finished. I think I had picked the right time to do something as my GCSEs were approaching and I know that if I hadn’t got help I wouldn’t have taken my exams.
When I left school I went off to college to study dance - something I always wanted to do. I had been there about six weeks when one day, I was sitting outside with my college friends and I just blurted out that I am gay. I just sat and waited for a reaction…everyone just looked at me and said “So? Like we didn’t know already”, and I just sighed with relief. I had finally told someone! People now knew, but they weren’t the people I was worried about telling. It was my family. How do I tell them? What if they disown me? What would I do?
I decided not to tell them until the time was right but that decision made my life awful because I had to live two different lives. When I was around my friends I was me. I could act how I liked, I could be free and be myself. But when I was at home I had to be this whole different person. I had to act straight so that my mum didn’t guess or ask any questions. I hated it but it was better than being thrown out on the streets. So once again I became very depressed and started to self-harm. This went on for about two years and things didn’t get any better.
Me, my mum and my brother went to a family party one night and we were all having a good time when one of my cousins who had got very drunk decided to tell my mum that I was gay. I was devastated, waiting for my mum to shout something. But she didn’t. She didn’t really take much notice, she just laughed and that was it. I was shocked. And in some ways I was upset that she didn’t take much notice of it. I wanted to shout at her but I thought that would make the situation a whole lot worse so I just left it.
A week later my mum said “I know”. “You know what”? I said: “ I know you’re gay,” she said. I was so shocked at what she said all I could say was: “How do you feel about that?” She said: “As long as you are happy then I am happy for you.” I couldn’t believe this, everything that I had worried about for the past couple of years was totally wrong. The only thing now was telling the rest of my family.
I started telling my family slowly but all their reactions were the same and all they said was “we already know”. I was so pleased that everyone finally knew. Then I started thinking that if I have felt this way, there must be other people who have gone through this or are going through this or will go through this. I decided I needed to do something for everyone out there. I started researching the area to see if there was anything out there for young people who were feeling this way. I came to the amazing finding that there was nothing. I jumped into action and decided that something was needed. I started thinking what could I do? At 17, there wasn’t much I could do so I started doing voluntary work for Medway Youth Service. I did this for about a year when a member of the youth service came to me and asked me to start doing work for young lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual and undecided people in Medway. It was then that it clicked. I could actually do something to help. I started a group for people who are either coming out, want to come out or are just trying to find out who they really are. So, Pride4life was born. I want to help other people who are in the same situation that I was. So, if this sounds anything like you or you are going through anything like this, then please don’t hesitate to contact me about the Pride 4 Life group. Call or text me on 07952763413 or email me at pride4life@medway.gov.uk
So that is my story and I am now a much stronger for my experience and I just want people to know that no matter what the situation there is always a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere and I hope that Pride 4 Life may just be that light for some of you
Pete x